It was only in this most recent viewing of HP that I became aware of the freudian nature of all that wand waving. A wand is a wizard's greatest tool. He needs it all the time, to perform spells and assert his wizarding masculinity. Indeed the enhanced steakheadedness of both Ron (who is looking like Ronnie from jersey shore) and H fuckin P seems out of place. Wizards don't need to be muscley to compensate for something they may or may not be lacking, they can just get the most DIESEL wand.
Isnt it curious how the word “wand” is so close to the word “wang”? Maybe it is not a coincidence. Indeed the source of Dumbledore's power and respect in the magical community is revealed to be (amongst other things) his possession of the “ELdEr WAnD” a ludicrously large and potent wand of fine vintage. In modern vernacular it would be called the “daddy dick”, while magic peoples reverentially refer to it as the “deathstixxx” The female wizards, hereto-forth known as “witches” or in the modern vernacular “wiccans” have reached a satisfying conclusion for the freudian problem of penis envy: they are allowed to buy their own functional Wan(g)d. Indeed when Voldemort (V-mort) needs to use another wand, he goes after the guy he knows to be a big punk, Malfoy dad, but even he was like “seriously bro? You need my WAND?, I kinda wanted to keep that you know, for future use”
I think that when I read the books the wand imagery wasnt as prevalent, but in this movie there more wands on display than an NFL locker room. There were other awesome parts of the movie though; how sick was that Brown Bunnyesque scene in the woods where HP and Emma Watson were all naked and shit. Speaking of Hermione; hasnt she kind of eclipsed the other 2 in terms of stardom? Daniel “the world's most wooden and awkward dancer” Radcliffe should count his lucky motherfuckin stars that he got to be in 8 such fine movies. And Rupert Grint, how shamelessly you have abused steroids, do you want to be a ginger version of the rock or something? The house elfs are every bit as annoying as Jar Jar Binx. I hate emotional scenes with fake ass CGI characters, I wanted to laugh when the tiny weird looking thing died in HP's arms, it looked so dumb.
The funniest bit probably is how easily HP and co. get swooped by the snatchers. V-mort himself rolls up on Harry like a flying beast from hell, shooting death spells at him, and Harry casually is like “oh shit dogg, fuck off” But when some fucking euro-trash gangsters jump out from behind a tree HP is completely surprised, and easily bundled into a burlap sack. It was funny then how worried and shit Malfoys dad was. He was all like “if we F this one up v-mort is totally gonna F us in the A”
I wish magic was real so much. I would love to lay on the couch, pull out the eLdAr WaND and holler “accio oreos” or as one good friend said “accio fleshlight” and it would come flying out of giggles and right into his basement. That is the power of magic.
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